I’ll say it again, the slasher is the best film genre. Nothing can beat its simplicity and the joy I get from watching people get stabbed. Then I run into a steaming poo wall like this movie and have to rethink everything I believed to be true. It’s not that Splatter University is a completely disgusting dumpster of smelly garbage, it’s just more like a tiny waste basket with a smelly rotting banana peel, some used tissues, and a pile of vomit. Its main flaw is that the filmmakers forgot what genre they were making and thought we might actually care about what these “characters” have to say. Having characters in a slasher speak is like getting a sub delivered: completely pointless and unnecessary. They are worthless to me other than as bodies for the glorious film blood to be splashed on.
The movie starts in a mental institution that features fat guys cradling doll heads and your various typical nutzos. For some unknown reason the film opens at two forty three p.m. Again, no one cares what time it is, nor do we think you are even slightly funny. Some nut with one sneaker on kills the workers there and escapes. Flash forward to “the next semester yesterday.” That’s literally what it says. Are you serious? I hate whoever made this movie. Then the setting moves to an underpopulated college whose only students are a few forty year old men and a Jason Schwartman-looking priest. The school is run by priests, as well. Of course they’re creepy old perverted priests. I wouldn’t want them any other way. A new teacher is in town and she’s allegedly up to no good. Attending college myself I was instantly able to connect with these realistic characters and their surroundings… oh wait. Clearly they had about 15 middle-aged extras, one room, an office, and a desk to work with. It’s embarrassing.
You meet a bunch of stupid as fuck characters including some alcoholic guido that keeps screaming and barking like a dog. He’s like a dog in heat, of course, and accuses anyone who won’t accept his sexual passes as being on the rag. Already by this point (about thirty minutes in) there are way too many characters for me to have any clue what’s going on. People come into the movie to have a conversation and never return again. Who could possibly think bringing in meaningless characters and not killing them was even kind of a good idea. Kill some of these idiots before I kill myself! Like most 80s horror flicks, though, it’s at least fun to look at for the hilarious hair and outfits. Conversation, unfunny joke, embarrassing party, and more conversation. I just described about 40 minutes of the movie to you. The only notable moment is at one point the lazy main character bitch doesn’t even bother tucking in her shirt sleeve into her dresser drawer. The messy skank deserves to fucking die, obviously.
Random characters finally start being killed off one by one, some being scalped and some stabbed. The death scenes are decent (though as you’ll read later were cut). You get the feeling there’s something fishy at this school. The main priest, who’s confined to a wheelchair, begins accusing the new teacher of doing it. I didn’t care if she was doing it, I was just praying she would get naked the entire movie. In fact, that may have been the only reason I kept watching. I was hoping Bill Hinzman would come in and rip her shirt off for no reason or something. There’s one scene where a girl gets ready for sleep and goes to bed and nothing happens (aka most pointless scene ever). Then it says three weeks later. What the hell? That doesn’t matter at all. THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE!
The teacher says this realistic line of Linklater-esque dialogue, “A weird thing happened, a girl said she was skipping class today. Has that ever happened to you?” Welcome to college, bitch. I’ve gone to class like twice this year. Remember Father Swartzman? Well neither do I. I don’t think he ever returned. Not like it would matter if he did. Who were these characters that were introduced and where the hell did they go? Hopefully hell.
The end actually gets pretty decent. You find out the priest in the wheelchair is the escaped mental patient from the beginning. Remember?! Neither did I. He chases the teacher and kills her. He starts going wacko and ends up getting caught. The camera holds on a blood splattered crucifix. Hard as fuck. As the credits rolled I could only think of one thing: No tits?! Are you fucking kidding me? Then I saw it took four writers to write this. Please kill me.
Could anyone on earth enjoy this movie? This is truly a bottom of the barrel 80s slasher. It literally is a poor man’s fungus growing on the bottom of my big toe. You heard it, a poor man’s fungus! Without realizing until we brought it, we grabbed the R-rated version of the movie. We do own the unrated version, too, but didn’t think to look at which was which before watching. The entire time I was praying someone would come and scalp me or at the very least stab me to death. It felt 40 minutes longer than it was just because of how much boring dialogue was put into this. And just thinking about the movie being any longer with an unrated version is making my eyes water. Not even more gore can save this. Such a wasted opportunity on such a weak movie. I really wish we would have watched something that was even slightly enjoyable on the projector screen. Oh well, maybe next time we break in.
(One of the better kills but I think it’s cut down in the version we watched.)
Vestron Video released it and neither the front cover nor the back have anything to do with the actual movie. Which is obvious since the cover is amazing and the movie is horrid. It was released by Troma but doesn’t really feel much like a Troma movie (other than the few moments of stupid cheesy humor). Releasing two version of this movie is such an annoyance and a huge waste of money. Why would anyone want to see anything but the unrated version? Why would anyone want to see this period? I don’t understand how this movie even has a slight cult following. The name is great, but the film itself is terrible. Scream 2 should have mentioned Night School instead of this poo pile, anything but Splatter University.
The whole movie is uploaded on Youtube if anyone cares (go search it). I hope no one does…