By Dan Kinem
A side of myself that I haven’t shared yet on VHShitfest is that I’m a huge wrestling fan. It’s always been my opinion that the only people who like wrestling are either the absolute dumbest, most annoying people alive or the smartest. I’m one of the latter, obviously. A genius, like myself, will understand it’s a true art form that manages to take athleticism and sport and add something — in the form of soap opera drama and unique characters — to make it actually worthwhile and entertaining. A fool will watch to see naked men beat the shit out of each other.
The more absurd the characters and storylines, the more I love it (I’m looking at Goobledy Gooker right about now). I especially love how much product the WWF managed to body slam out back in the day. WWF (now WWE) has been known to not only release every single one of their pay-per-views onto tape, but also to do weird cash-grabbing tapes such as over 50 random Hulk Hogan tapes and this, WWF Superstars - The Music Video. It stands far away from their other product as it’s something that will never get a DVD release and something that everyone involved wants you to forget. Well, I won’t let you and neither will Gooker.
Our host, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, is no stranger to music. With WWF Superstars - The Music Video, Macho Man really hones his skills for what would later become the hip-hop masterpiece, “Be a Man.” He comes out of the gate as energetic and ridiculous as ever. He just keeps dropping weird misused catchphrases like “Pump up the jam” and “Yeah, I can do it!” I couldn’t help but wonder how much they paid him to do this. All he has to do is introduce four terrible songs, but he goes above and beyond, putting the Macho-twist on everything and proving he was truly one of the most amazing entertainers ever.
The first song is called “Wrestlemania” by World Wrestling Federation Superstars. You would expect a song about the biggest event in wrestling sung by a bunch of superstars, but all you get is a simplistic song sung by a group of unknown singers. Some superstars do pop up, but all they do is drop random bragadocious quotes. Big Boss Man is the only one who looks like he is trying to actually sing or rap or something and that’s only because he’s tapping his toe. Bret Hart and Tatanka just stand there and talk. I don’t want to completely knock the song, as it does have an insanely catchy chorus, “Ooohh, Wrest-le-man-i-a! Yeah, this is our life!” You even catch Macho Man singing a bit of it after the music video ends.
For no reason whatsoever, you get wrestling clips that don’t really matter. Most of them are classic clips that you can see elsewhere, like the moment King made fun of Bret Hart’s parents.
The next song is called “Summerslam Jam” and is exactly like the last one. It is sung by some randoms (and includes a terrible early 90s rap) and features quotes from wrestlers mixed in. Every kid that bought this hoping to hear Bret “Da Sharpshoota” Hart rapping was probably suicidally depressed after it finished. This song is totally forgettable besides one of the worst Undertaker moments ever, which features him in a recording studio saying, “Yeah, the Undertaker says ‘slam.’” Please bury me alive.
So happy we get a Yokozuna vs. Jim Duggan match after that (not). Further cementing Yokozuna as one of my most hated wrestlers ever. He is so fucking terrible and should have never been in a ring. You would think after hundreds of matches that consisted of him almost falling multiple times, then finally falling, that he’d be better at it. He can’t even successfully do his own finishing move the majority of the time.
The Jim Duggan song is un-fucking-bearable. It repeats “U-S-A, hoooooo!” over and over again. I wanted to rip my eyes out. The last video is the one we have all been waiting for, “Speaking from the Heart” by Macho Man himself. It’s dedicated to “all the kids around the world.” I cannot praise this song enough. I haven’t stopped singing it since I first heard it and all I can say is “he’s quite amazin’.” My only gripe with the song is they add a “T”-sound in “Macho.”
The release was of course put out by Coliseum Video, as was all other WWF stuff from the period. It went along with a compilation album called “Wrestlemania.” Surprisingly (and hilariously), every song except the Macho song managed to place on the UK music charts. A lot of the Coliseum Video stuff is really collectible and cool, including this tape. Even if the material on the tape has made the jump to DVD, it will likely be edited in some way (at the very least the “WWF” mentions will be removed) so it’s cool to have these. Like I said above, this is not on DVD and never will be. If you come across it cheap you must add it to your collection. It’s a gem and a great novelty tape.
I’d probably rather be in a figure-four leglock for five hours straight than watch this again, but the thought of not owning this is more sickening than Yokozuna’s thong. Wooo!