By Dan Kinem
What are the five best things in the world? Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, and
tapes boobs. Few things even come close to rivaling the almighty breasts, yet, somehow Active Home Video and producer Bret Rhine managed to film a contest featuring some of the least appealing jugs imaginable. The majority of the contestants look like post-op sex change patients and the pathetic dance routines do everything but turn the viewer on. Thankfully, the video is hysterical, so the ugliness of most of these females doesn’t matter. The overall sleaziness and kitchiness make this a blast to watch.
^Good sign when there are two different opening title screens…
Comedian Dick Shawn hosts the event and opens with a painful stand-up routine that culminates in forcing the audience to sing, “What’s the hippie gonna do? Suck on a shoe.” This goes on so long that it almost gets funny… almost. The celebrity guest judges they got are Avery Schreiber, Carol Wayne, and Pat McCormick. They are there for comic relief, but the real comedy comes from the girls embarrassing themselves. Pat does point out how big Carol Wayne’s tits are at one point and says, “This lady will never drown,” which is both hilarious and haunting since Carol did drown in real life a couple years later.
There are three separate categories: Itty-Bitties, Middle-Weights, and Hefty Honies. Each girl comes out and dances to porn score and tries to impress the judges. Some of the girls make the mistake of leaving their tops on, which results in an obvious lose, while others know what it takes to win. They put a huge troft of water at the front of the stage for girls to dunk their junk in and most of the females take full advantage of this.
In the middle of the video they announce that there are some celebrities in the audience, which includes Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, and Woody fucking Allen. They all even go up on stage and dance with the girls at the end. Seeing Woody Allen up there getting down with some honies is priceless. It was so memorable I told Dabeedo about it over lunch at the local Chinese buffet (shout out to Ocean Buffet, woop woop!). We immediately rushed home (not before polishing off about 15 more chicken-on-a-sticks) to watch it. While watching, though, Dabeedo noticed these celebrities looked a little off. That’s when he started to doubt me. After hours of arguing and painstaking research we found nothing. That’s when we decided to watch the credits and sure enough, “Celebrity Look-a-Likes” was a credit. So depressing. Dabeedo squashing yet another one of my dreams.
Like I said, most of the girls are disgusting, yet you can’t take your eyes away. The entire time you are waiting for the “hefty honies,” but it keeps being delayed by unfunny jokes and even a male stripper segment (which was fucking hilarious).
When you finally get to see the goods you have lost most of the excitement. There is one girl who blew me away, though, but she ends up losing so it’s pointless. For the
whore horror fans out there, Michelle Bauer even makes an appearance (as does Russ Meyer favorite, Raven De La Croix).
Overall, it was great watching for all the bad stand-up, terrible dancing, and mediocre-to-horrible gazoombas and I would recommend it to anyone who likes weird video oddities. The tape is super rare (probably because of all the celebrities) and is hard to find for a good price. It was released in a slipcase by Active Home Video and two years later a sequel was also released by them which seems even more rare. This is the type of stuff that will probably never be released on DVD and shows why VHS is such a great and relevant format.
Get ‘em Woody!